A · long, · strange · trip

'Tis the season to work towards new and interesting goals.....

1. Write 1000 scientific words per work day.
This is kind of like nanorimo, but for getting the backlog of papers, thesis proposals etc. out the door. I am counting any words that will help science, even if it is a brain storm session. Yesterday and today, I spent my words thinking of experiments for my postdoc NRSA.

2. Work on the 100 pushup program
http://hundredpushups.com/index.html
This is a cool page that gives a training program to be able to do 100 pushups. I am on the first day of the second week, meaning that today I did 5 sets of pushups totaling 44. For the first day of the program, I was ridiculously sore and didn't even want to lift my fork, but I've been doing better since then. I have my doubts that I'll be able to do 100 pushups at the end of 6 weeks, but the good thing about the program is that you can start where you are and work as fast as your body allows.

3. Lose 10 pounds.
I know, I know, I know. But given that I'm running the Vermont50 in a few months, I could lose to be taking a little less with me, ya know?

I'll be posting on progress semi-regularly.

"Dear Dr. Greene,

..... it is clear you did a lot of work and I think that the manuscript makes a very valuable contribution to the literature of this area. Thus, I am happy to accept it for publication...

I think that your approach is clever and creative and I believe your paper will have a big impact on the field. Thank you for submitting such a great paper to ..... journal."

Love,
Da-Editor-Dude

Translation:
Uncle! Enough with the new experiments! I relent - you win!

The score:
1.5 years collecting data
597 days trying to publish the damn thing
119 pages
~21,000 words
5 revisions
1 great big smile

As many of you know, I have been training for the Boston Marathon which will be held on April 21, 2008! Part of the reason I have not been regularly updating this journal is that so much of my time has been devoted to training and fundraising for my charity, the American Liver Foundation.

The experience has been amazing, and as I have had plenty of questions about my training, I'm devoting this entry to training! ( More )

It's been a while since I tallied up a quality of life index... here we go...

THE PAPER is still in my life-space
-5 (and falling)

Tasty super-huge salad sale at Sebastian's through the end of next week
+2

I got cuddles from the kitty last night
+1

I'm applying for Boston marathon numbers to run for a charity this year (and hopefully to quality for next year.
+2

Generalized uncertainty over health stuff
-5

Impostor syndrome has returned causing me to follow about 4 courses right now (because clearly I can't be a respectable graduate student without knowing x,y and z)...
EVEN

It's cold and will be cold until April
-3

I'm getting my act together and starting to write up old stuff.
+2

I'm getting into a good routine of writing down my goals daily
+2

Score: -4
I think some wine is in order for tonight

...that interesting people are those who are interested in something. I believe that I should have something worth saying in this space at least once a week.

The updater notification on the login tells me that it's been a week, and I'm struggling to come up with a non-complaint to place here.

I wish that my skin was thicker. After the constant peer-review rejection of the last year, I've grown to the point where I have no confidence in my own work or my ability to execute or communicate about work in general. I don't know how I lost the ability to get mad.... when I was 20, this kind of rejection would just fire me up to prove myself even more. Now I just get depressed and tell myself that I'm stupid.

A question for the audience: can you regain lost confidence? How?

I read an article in a neuropharm journal yesterday about increasing one's serotonin without drugs. Thought I'd share my response since a lot of us are broken in various ways to varying degrees.

The upshot is get some sunshine (even if you are not inclined towards seasonal depression) and get some exercise. You can even multi-task these by going out to play. This is very common sense. I'm having a hard time with the sunshine part in these terribly short New England days. And with the clouds, it seems like I can't remember seeing the sun in the short-term past.

Interestingly (and seasonably applicable), foods high in either tryptophan (a 5-HT precursor) or serotonin do *NOT* increase neural serotonin because they do not go past the blood-brain barrier. Thursday's turkey might make you feel better, but it's more likely because of the warmth of family and friends than the tryptophan.

Stay well, get some sunshine, and I'm happy to run with anyone who wants to go running with me!

What can be more fun than musical pseudo-divination?
Not much!
Just ask the iPod a magic-8-ball like question, and SWOOSH goes the random song generator.... and you get crazy nonsense such as:

Q: Am I good enough to hack it in academia?
A: 1. Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan
2. Out/In - Remy Zero
3. Calling the Moon - Dar Williams
4. Live as you Dream - Beth Orton
5. So we are - Aimless
6. I wish my baby was born - the be good tanyas
7. Trust all-stars - Rasputina
8. Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
9. Bright Lights - Carbon Leaf
10. Easy Rider - Eliza Gilkyson

I'll leave it as an exercise to the reader to find out what it means....

So..... at the risk of being burned at the stake by Red Sox nation, I don't think that we were supposed to win last night.

There. I said it.

Living in Boston but having grown up in Denver, I've felt equal parts excited and conflicted about the series. Mostly excited because none of the players that I remember from when I was a kid are on the Rockies anymore and for so many years, I'd effectively forgotten that Denver even had a baseball team.

But in the last two games, I found myself having fits of nostalgia for the Rockies and for Coors field. Childhood memories of going to games and cheering for Andres Gallaraga and Larry Walker, first in Mile High stadium and then when Coors field was grand new. The trees in the bullpen. The fountains that go off when the Rocks score a home run.

And so I really wanted the Rockies to win games 3 and 4. And I really thought it was possible between their home-field mojo, and the problems we were supposed to face between the lineup change, the altitude and the huge field.

And yes, Denver doesn't know what it is like to cheer year after year for a team that breaks your heart in the end. Yes, the Rockies are the David who slew Goliath to get there in the first place, and yes, it is very cool for Terry Francona to be (probably) the only manager undefeated in the World Series.

But I still think it should have been Sox in Six.

wolvzor asked me to write about these 5 things. If you would like me to give you 5 things to write about, leave a comment after this entry.

1. Hippyism
I was 13 when I decided that I had been born in the wrong time. The music, clothes and priorities of my age group were (and still are) completely baffling. I was enamored with the rebellion, the political activity, and the idea that you could change the world. I read Abbie Hoffman and Timothy Leary and listened to all of the groovy music of San Francisco, still disillusioned that "no one in my generation is doing anything".

It's only been recently that I've discovered that people in my generation are doing things, but just not where I was looking for them. In particular, the push for freedom of information (free software, free culture, open access) will ensure that the best ideas will survive, and that information (the great equalizer) is available to anyone who wants it.

I was also touched last month when I went to the xkcd meetup. It was ~1000 people in this tiny park, each of them peaceably doing *whatever*they*wanted*to: playing on the playground, writing perl scrips in chalk on the sidewalk, playing music, meeting each other, drawing, laughing, making shirts. In a time where face to face meeting seems exceedingly rare, this was a very cool event.

And then I went to a free music festival in San Francisco a couple of weeks later. And in a park with 300,000 people and no rules governing children, dogs, glass, alcohol or anything else.... nothing bad happened. People enjoyed their music in the park however they wanted to enjoy it. It's striking to me how conditioned we've become to think that human nature is terrible, and that we need to be babysat or else anarchy will ensue. And because of this, we don't trust each other, we don't meet each other and we don't reach out and exchange ideas. I hope to keep this web of human movement going.

2. Organized religion
I have a paradoxical relationship with this one. "No, thanks" is my automatic intellectual reaction, followed by a Dawkins-esque diatribe about the evils of religion in the world. And yet, every so often I find myself intensely jealous of religious people. The idea that you can belong to this group unconditionally is a very powerful idea. The idea of not having to muse over messy big-picture philosophical entanglements because you are given the answer is equally shiny. The idea of ritual, and meaning and symbolism...

But you can't fake faith, and ultimately lying to myself would probably feel a lot worse than feeling a little lost from time to time.

3. Socks
Useful. I have a hard time finding the right ones, especially for running because my feet are small. I put anti-blister powder into mine to keep down on the callouses. I like shopping for socks because they're not really sized. You don't have to try them on and ask if they make you look fat.

4. Attraction
I get attracted to people, and every so often they get attracted to me.... why this happens is a complete mystery to me. The most accurate thing I can say about the set of things I am attracted to is that there's nearly always an exception to anything that I say I like or don't like. Which does not mean that I'm indiscriminant, but that it's complicated.

5. Biting
Tesla has razer sharp teeth, and my right arm is testament to how tasty he thinks I must be. I feel silly looking like a teenage cutter sometimes.

Wow, my attention span for this is gone.

"Dear Dr. Greene,

I am writing in regard to the manuscript that you submitted. Enclosed are the comments of three reviewers, each an expert in this general area. I think that all of us find your approach interesting and creative, but two of the reviewers think that additional work is required before the manuscript could be published. I have also read your paper carefully and I agree with the concerns of these reviewers. Thus, I am sorry to tell you that I am unable to accept this version of your paper for publication, but I think that a suitably revised manuscript would be an exciting contribution to the journal and to the field. "

Love,

Da-Editor Dude

As much as I am tired of this entire paper, it's time to write the "Dear Da-Reviewer-Dudes" letter that says "hmmm... about 1/3 of what you said is cool and will greatly improve the paper, about 1/3 of it I need to think about, and 1/3 of it makes me think you didn't read the fucking section you're complaining about. PS: complaining that I didn't cite you hardly warrants the statement "several major references are missing". Love, me.

.... ok, it would be cooler if it also accessed one's Pandora prefs. Then it could virtually psychoanalyze me or reverse engineer my moods....

http://www.musicovery.com/

Enter your mood in a 2D matrix, enter the musical genres you want and in beautiful web 2.0 goodness, you get your very own moody music! How cool is that?

The picture: it's 7am, and I am waiting for my morning coffee to brew while unloading the dishwasher. I'm trying my hardest to keep the cat out of said dishwasher (he hasn't gotten the memo that cats are supposed to hate water), when I hear an evil hiss and sputter coming from the coffee pot. I turn to find the thing rocking back and forth, spewing grinds and hot water everywhere! I try my best to contain the mess, but turning off the pot doesn't help, and it's clock also starts doing strange things like going super-fast (it *said* it was 10:45 when I finally unplugged the thing).

I turn around again, and find the cat *underneath* the diswasher's bottom rack, playing with the spinner thing.

In other news, the 50+ *flea*bites* I sustained at Alex and Paul's party itch like hell; I'm getting null results in a new experiment; my subjects did not show up today; and I *still* don't have any update about my paper.

To say that I am greatly looking forward to the wine tasting tonight is indeed an understatement.

I like the idea of the one-sentence journal that I read about on lifehack. The idea being that just one sentence in a journal per day is much better than more extended but periodic entries.

My weekend has been more socially busy than normal. There were also a set of social situations that stretched my borders in a good way - in particular, putting on FriGames alone and needing to introduce myself to new people at Alex and Paul's party. Life would be much easier with more confidence.

Which brings me to today's dance class, the most resounding lesson being, if you act sexy and confident, you will be sexy and confident. :)

Bootcamp finished this morning. I didn't win. I did, however lose 7 pounds and 3% from my body fat. I also gained friendships, more knowledge about strength training and a certain amount of perspective about my body. All in all, I can honestly say that I did my best without freaking out and it was a good experience.

I am also happy with how I've dealt with A being gone. On Wednesday, I periodically checked his flight on a tracker, and he landed before I went to bed. I've been sleeping well, and I've been catching up on my projects (season 4 of the L word, setting up my room, and finding people to jam with). I do miss having someone to talk to when I get home, though. For as awesome as Tesla is, he's not much of a conversationalist. But given the abundance of social activities on the docket for this weekend, I should get that fix in too.

I still don't know about my paper. Grrrrr.

I dropped A off at the airport at 4 this morning after going to bed just a couple of hours earlier. As I write this, his plane is boarding, and around 10pm Boston time, he'll be in Israel.

I will miss him tons, and I do hope he has a great time.

As for me, I want to use this time for all of the little projects and adventures that I'd like to do, further cultivating a space of personal identity. I find it unfortunate that I tend towards neediness and dependency. Perhaps this is because I learned how to be in a long term relationship with someone who epitomized it. Whatever the cause though, it needs to stop for me to be a fully functioning human, and a fully functioning human capable of meaningful connections with other functional humans.

So, I have a lot of mixed emotions right now: I'm excited about things like pole dancing, live music and having a jam session in my living room. I'm also nervous - I've never lived alone, so I've never had more than a couple of nights of sleeping in an empty apartment.

So.... yeah. That's life right now. I would be elated to have fellow adventurers on my adventures, and FriGames is still on while A's gone.

For no good reason I felt compelled to look at the status page for my paper today.

It was updated a week ago. Status: "all required reviews complete".

Translation: da-editor-dude has all of the relevant information, and in a sadistic, cold, calculating way waiting over a week to either let the guillotine fall or give me a stay of execution. And I have no idea what the news will be or when it will come. Gah!

This makes it difficult to focus on much more than compulsive email checking. Why did I have to look?

My alarm clock died sometime around 2:30 this morning. Good thing I was suffering from insomnia and caught it. It was about 18 years old, and is the only alarm clock that I've ever had, so I have an odd sadness about seeing it go.

I was however, on time to the boot-camp class at my gym. This class is interesting.... it runs 3x a week for a month, and is run kind of like "Biggest Loser" - the person whose body composition improves the most by the end of the month will get the money invested in the class refunded.

Class started Monday, and I've been varying degrees of sore all week from it. The trainer's philosophy, as stated on the profile of the gym wall, is that improvement only happens when one is at the point of collapse. While I haven't been at the point of global collapse, certain muscle groups have gotten to the point of failure.

I do worry about keeping a reasonable balance between improvement and insanity in the class. It would be a very slippery slope to get crazy with scales, food, competition and other eating entropy. On the other hand, the current state of my body is reflective of the fact that I've let my eating get (ahem) too ordered.

I've also been thinking a lot this year about goals and goal attainment, and their effects on building self esteem and inoculating against depression. My problem is that I have trouble setting reasonable goals - anything humanly attainable does not seem worth my time to work towards, and the constant set-back of never living up to my own expectations does more to diminish my self-esteem than to foster it.

Does anyone have experience with this and how to get through it?

I cleaned the refrigerator tonight.

This is much more terrifying than it sounds.

In the last-minute madness of people coming and going from the house, anything that was not readily identifiable and/or too scary to deal with was.... well... left there.

There are some things that I saw in that fridge that I will leave to my therapist to sort out, but suffice it to say that I found things that had expired even before A and I had met.

When I put the first garbage bag into the can, a dreadful hissing sound was made. It was forceful enough to make me back away from the can, afraid that some noxious thing was about to blow. It didn't, but it certainly gives a bit more credence to my theory that the house was evolving new life before I moved in.

The score:
Years of therapy due to various sights and smells: -5
Feeling of accomplishment: +5

We're calling this one even!

I had to cave and buy wireless so that I could get some files I need for data analysis, and now I feel that I need to make the most out of my daypass.

So "hi". I'm at the airport, ridiculously early as my habits are.... and I'm going to analyze data before flying off to the wild world of Telluride Bluegrass.

There. I used my %7.99.

Not really.